The Dark Side of Self-Improvement: When Does It Become Unhealthy?
Exploring the toxic side of personal growth, perfectionism, and finding the balance for a healthier self-improvement journey.
Me: “Let’s be clear. The only reason I am here is because my friends cornered me.”
Them: “Sure. Why did your friends do that?”
Me: “They’re accusing me of being a Self-Improvement Junkie” (she says in air quotes) “…whatever that’s supposed to mean. I mean… I want to make myself better. How could that be such a bad thing?”
Whenever I felt like my life was falling apart or I wasn’t being productive enough throughout the day, I would fall down the rabbit hole of self-improvement/ productivity YouTube. With titles like “Exit your Lazy Girl Era just by Watching this Video” or “8 Rules to follow that WILL Change your life”, I was convinced I could be cured.
To have the body, be the ideal friend and girlfriend, be the most well-educated person in the room, etc.
I could perfect myself.
But then that begged the question, why did I feel that I needed to perfect myself? I mean there is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best possible version of yourself. But at what point does it become toxic?
The Pursuit of Perfectionism
A couple months ago, I lay in bed wrapped up in my blanket like a burrito, doing my typical mile-long scrolling through my YouTube suggestions feed.
I couldn’t help but notice that my feed at this point has become roughly 70% self-improvement. From tips on making new habits stick to how to ACTUALLY create a vision board, it seemed that everyone had their entire lives packaged well, telling me exactly what I need to do in order to live like them.
And I have to admit, I watched every single one of them, hoping that one of them would tell me the secret as to how to close the gap between their success and my burrito-self, while resenting how unproductive I was being.
But as I listened to each one of their videos, which at this point started to blend into the same advice being repeated by different people, the same question kept nagging in my head: why are we so obsessed with self-improvement?
So… why are we OBSESSED with self-improvement?
Well, there might be several reasons:
- It could be that from a young age our family, school, and even the media have pushed the idea that we need to put in the blood, sweat, and tears to reach our full potential. Especially when we place ourselves in comparison to others and envy their lives with their six-figure income, ideal body, fancy car, it causes us to feel mediocre or unaccomplished when we might have done more than we realize.
- We might believe that by watching these self-improvement videos or media, we are being more productive. I must admit I am particularly guilty of this which is why I was kindly awarded the title of a “self-improvement junkie.” The reality is whether you spent your time watching a productivity video or the next episode of your current Netflix binge — it would not have made a difference.
Let’s be for real, how much self-help advice do you actually absorb, take note, and apply to your daily life? Especially if we are considering hundreds of videos you watch. Probably only about 5%.
It’s like they say, “knowledge isn’t power, until it is applied.”
In reality, these videos only provide a false sense that we’re doing something productive, researching and planning on how to change our lives. However, we are not.
Do we only deserve happiness when we become the best possible version of ourselves?
That mentality is when self-improvement becomes toxic. We have convinced ourselves to believe that once we fix that one flaw (and it’s never just one), we will finally achieve the fulfillment and happiness that we have so desperately been seeking.
The problem with this mentality is that we shift our worth and happiness on external achievements and validation. And when we finally do get the job we wanted or the award or the recognition we’ve been chasing, sure it’ll satisfy us for a moment, but only for a moment. Then, we resort back to loathing ourselves and finding the next goal or materialistic gain to chase, hoping that would satisfy us.
It doesn’t. It becomes an endless cycle of slaving away to our desire for perfectionism at the expense of our happiness for something that will never be fulfilled. Always just out of reach.
So… should we never want to improve ourselves?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be better and to pursue self-improvement. If anything, the desire to evolve is an innate part of human experience. But you do have to question whether your desire for self-improvement is coming from a place that is rooted in self-love or self-hatred. It is vital that we approach it with a healthy mindset that is rooted in positive INTRINSIC motivation.
Steps to improve yourself without the toxicity:
- Do not compare your journey to others.
I am well-aware that this is easier said than done because I myself struggle with this. But I do have to remind myself that no one has the same dreams or life as you do. So why bother comparing a lion to a rose?
2. Define what you want out of life without societal expectations tainting the glass.
Literally, write down, in detail, what it is you want out of life. Whether you dream of stepping on every continent or spending your days reading romance novels, define it and make it clear.
Although it might be tempting to say that you want a Lamborghini, really question if it actually aligns with your preferences or if it’s influenced by society’s expectations of your desires. True fulfillment and happiness can only be achieved if it aligns with your authentic self.
So, what is the point of chasing something if it isn’t going to bring you happiness?
3. Learn the value of self-love.
And I don’t mean pampering yourself all the time and letting yourself ignore your responsibilities. I mean being able to balance being disciplined, allowing yourself to rest, having fun, understanding the value of boundaries, and speaking to yourself kindly.
Conclusion
With these realizations in mind, I’ve come to the conclusion of the importance of balance. Your desire to be disciplined and achieve your goals should be fueled by self-love and a genuine desire to value personal, intrinsic fulfillment.
On a final note, I want to leave you with this reminder: your happiness and self-love should not come after you achieve your goals.
If you’re looking for more articles like this, I hope you stick around ;)
